I am writing this post for myself. Maybe only so.
Or maybe not. Maybe I am writing it for the rest of the world too.
That rest of the world that has learned to feel resentment towards Christmas.
Just like me.
Because I have hated Christmas deeply over the past years and I feel like I need to change my vicious circle of hatred towards it.
And I tell myself to give it another chance to surprise me again.
I tell myself that I can live this differently.
I tell myself that I can handle it better.
I don’t know when I started to hate Christmas.
Maybe when I lost my grandfather.
Maybe when the lights reminded me of my own darkness.
Maybe when the presents stopped being magical.
Maybe when I could miss some people way more intensely in those dates and that feeling became unbearable.
What I know is that I have been deeply scared of Christmas lately.
The way you have to buy things compulsively.
The way you have to arrange the same commitments over and over again.
The way you have to be happy and inspired when you might not feel like it.
The way you experience loss so intimately.
Why am I so scared of this time of the year?
Is it because I am scared to feel as deeply as I know I am capable of?
Is it because I don’t want to remember just how much it hurt to lose some loved ones?
Is it because I am intimidated by my own sensitivity, by my own ability to love and feel?
Is it because my rawness is exaggerated?
Is it because my life has been so complicated and messy lately that by the time December comes I have already suffered enough and I am hurt and tired?
Is it because it happens during winter time and I was born during summer time?
I’ve asked myself if it is my fault to dislike something like this.
I’ve asked myself if it is my fault to be at war with such a precious and loving and special time of the year.
But the truth is that I can’t blame my heart for aching.
I can’t take suffering and loss and rejection away from my history.
I can’t deny my sensitivity and my empathy.
I can’t get rid of how intensely I love.
I can’t reject my own self.
I can’t reject what I am made of.
I have decided I won’t blame myself for this.
But I will definitely try to go and change it.
Because there are so many things that I love about Christmas.
Like the people I love that share it with me.
Like the way that people protects me and loves me during every time of the year.
Like the way family finally gets together.
Like the way you are more likely to be dressed in red.
Like the way I dress up my dogs with funny customs and laugh for hours.
Like the way you eat food you would never eat at any other time of the year.
Like the way that sadness that comes from some people’s absence is also a proof of their presence.
Like the way you are more likely to sing.
Like the way you are more likely to forgive and start over again.
Like the way you give yourself another chance to love.
Like the way you drink more champagne than during the summer.
Cheers to champagne anyway.
Like the way I contact people I haven’t been in touch with lately.
Like the way movies have more substance and more happy endings.
Like the way you connect with others more.
Like the way everything seems like a new beginning…
Because of all this I have decided that this year I will give Christmas a brand new chance to genuinely start all over again.
This year I will give myself the opportunity to love Christmas again.
Like when I was a kid and my grandfather was by my side.
Like when I had never been hurt.
Like when I couldn’t eat anything because I was so excited about opening the presents.
Like when I hadn’t experience failure.
Like when my heart had never been broken.
I am giving Christmas another chance.
Because that little girl is still alive inside of me.
Because Christmas is still that special and meaningful time of the year.
Most of all, because I deserve to love Christmas again.
And I am sure that you deserve it too.